1. Cut Brussel sprouts into quaters.
2. Heat some olive oil and butter in a frying pan. Add the Brussels sprouts.
3. When nearly done add the soy sauce.

You need:
one or two dog owners
stalk of sprouts (better than buying loose sprouts as the stalk can be fought over then buried)
I huge turkey or goose
Freshly made gravy
vegetables, Yorkshire puddings and roast potatoes to serve

Method:

1. Follow owner into kitchen. Stand right behind him/her so they can’t escape with the food – this does mean you might get trodden on but guilt is a wonderful reason for owner to give you some scraps.

2. When owner starts preparing sprouts give him/her a good shove and catch the ‘accidentally’ dropped sprouts. Don’t let him/her make crosses in them as they go mushy. If the sprouts are tossed in butter with pancetta cubes you will be very pleased later. Not to mention mashed swede, glazed carrots, parsnips…

3. Once sprouts are cooking it’s time to use your big dark brown eyes, looking from owner to the resting meat soulfully. Whilst you’ll never get anything by begging during the rest of the year, Christmas is different. If nothing is offered head towards the most accessible source of food and make as though you’re about to steal it. When owner shouts and tells you to” leave it” look really affronted and sigh like the world’s problems are on your shoulders. You looking for the “steal food? Moi? I’m a little angel and look at the thanks I get…” impression.

4. Now you are likely to be shoved out of the kitchen as plates and food are juggled and someone takes a knife to the meat (why don’t they use their teeth in a civilised manner?) You can ask for food from the table, but this is unlikely to happen. This is the ideal time to check out the pressies and tree for anything smelling vaguely edible.

5. Hours and hours later plates and dishes will start being returned to the kitchen. THIS IS A CRUCIAL STAGE! There will be much moaning about the mess and having no room to put anything down – this is your cue. Approach anyone in kitchen, flutter your eyelashes and see if you can ‘do a lassie’ and lead them to your bowl. Humans are a bit thick but with the repetition of looking from food to dish whilst licking your lips they should catch on. The odd “did I tell you I love you?’ lick won’t do any harm.

6. At this point if they give you just vegetables DO NOT EAT. Remember this is the season of giving and there’s still half the meat left. Don’t say or do anything, just sit and look woebegone. After a brief time you should hear the magic words “oh here you are, have some meat” At last. Hoover up the food as fast as possible and repeat this stage as often as you like/can.

7. Once replete adjourn to the living room ready for present-opening time. You may find that your digestive system gets a little ‘windy’. It is important that you release the gas in the most densely populated area of the room and do so persistently as this will result in a walk to ‘clear the air’